Wednesday, October 31, 2012

A bittersweet day...

The boys were so excited this morning! They got to wear their costumes to school today and are going to have Halloween parties in their class. We will be going out trick-or-treating tonight as long as it doesn't rain. 

 I am missing my grandma today more than ever. I’m sitting here letting myself drown in memories of her, tears pour freely down my face. I am consumed by heartache and the longing to reach out and touch her even though I no longer can.

My Grandma and I were very close. She helped raise me so she was more like a mother to me than a grandma. She was my confidant. I could tell her anything, and she listened with out passing judgement. She was wonderful always giving me an honest answer and thoughtful advice. Especially when I was just discovering who I was and who I ought to be.

She was always my biggest supporter. When I was with her I felt invincible. She always saw good in me when I couldn’t see it in myself. She saw beauty in me when I was sure no one else did. She made me feel comfortable in my own skin and confident in my abilities. She always made me feel strong, like there was nothing she thought I couldn’t do.

My world has changed so much since loosing her. I will never believe that time will make the pain of loosing her go away. She knew all my secrets, hopes and dreams . I think about her everyday but every year for the past two years Halloween day which should normally be a day of fun and games. Only starts a period of time that is especially hard for me. I lost her  October 31, 2010 and yet I relive that day in my head like it was yesterday. I remember what everyone was wearing. What I was doing when I got that horrible call that she had passed. And I will never forget the numbness I felt.  It was like I had died with her. In two weeks it will be my birthday and then the holidays and all I can do is picture her here with me. I show my boys pictures of her with them so they will never forget her. And I always tell them how wonderful she was. I have to hope that she is still around me guiding me along the way until we meet again. I miss her dearly. Hugs to my grandma that I love so much! May you rest in peace Mama Carmen te amare y recordare siempre.